Never apt enough.

what does happiness mean to me?

is it when i know i have achieved all i wanted to?

is it when i know i have achieved all my family wanted me to?

is it when i know that i can achieve what people want me to?

is it when i know that i can never achieve what people want me to?

is it when i dont wanna achieve what people want me to?

or is it when i dont care what about achieving anything?

Happiness...i know i am never gonna have a shot at it. But wait dont call me pessimistic yet. All these slots that you guys have created, classifications for every mood,every thought,every action and every feeling. I dont think there is still a word that can describe what i am,what i do and what i feel. For that matter i dont think there ever will be a word that'll be apt.Perhaps happiness is just a term for what someone was feeling sumtime. And then someone came along and said "hey, here's a term that i can generalize." and then everyone wanted to feel similar.

I lead a life where i am always trying to prioritize what others want from me while what i would be good at, what i actually wanna do is relegated to being called a hobby.So much so that i feel guilty at times when i just wanna give up whatever i have achieved till now to start all over again. Then i am reminded that my clock's ticking..i aint got no time.No time out of my own life to do things "i" wanna do.

Happiness. Its a state of being that should come from within.I know i am not that. And i also know that its not bad to not be happy. Perhaps being a little sad,little lonely, even a little bitter brings to me the same high as being happy does to you.

Yea. i am a sad person deep within. And if it doesn't fit with your ideas of joy and peace and smiles and everything else , if u cant find a word to decribe how screwed up i sound,quit trying. Like i said, you'll never a find a word thats apt.