Pleasure in Pain

Its so easy to get disappointed. i set my expectations too high and then when things dont turn out that way i feel all is lost. i am unable to settle for anything less and get more and more miserable.

mostly its abt the decisions i make. i very rarely take a stand. but when i do i see ppl interfering with it, imposing their rules and trying to make me see from their perspective beacuse they feel its a better decision that has come after years of experience and wisdom gained.but they never realise that i feel stifled. that in their haste to do prevent me from making a wrong decision they are totally preventing me from being independent and trying things out on my own.

its me as well.i never tell them all this. i just blog about it or keep it to myself. because i dont wanna go against them.because i am scared. yea because i am weak.

i end up not going along with either their or my decision. that is i deny myself all of it. end up hurting myself because thats the way i saee myself getting back at them. spiting them by hurting myself.

its the worst possible thing to do and i know i cant stoop lower. somehow all this pain feels good. almost a sadist am i. Take pleasure in pain.feel relieved when my wounds bleed.takes my mind of other things.